I have been a parent for eighty days and during those eighty days I have spent about eighty minutes away from Evelyn. I exaggerate of course, but not too much. Since I’ve been a parent I’ve been to one movie and have gone out to dinner one time, that’s two nights out in two and a half months. Before Evelyn was born, Jay and I either had people over or went out just about every Friday and Saturday night, and even sometimes on Thursdays or Sundays too.
When I was pregnant, Jay and I would talk about how hard it was going to be to stay in so much; neither of us are homebodies, we’re both quite the opposite. We talked about how we were going to miss going to the movies once a week and how it was going to be hard to not be able to hang out with our friends every weekend. We knew we weren’t going to be able to do these things so often anymore, not only because we had to physically care for the baby, but because we would have to start saving more money as well.
Luckily, we’ve always been smart about our finances, so we knew that change wouldn’t be too difficult. What we didn’t expect was that it would be so easy to stay home so much. Why spend ten dollars or more on a movie ticket when you can entertain your very own baby so she smiles at you? Why go to a bar or club and small that hairy guy’s body odor all night when you can smell the sweet smell of your baby’s neck? Why go out and end up having to take care of your drunk friend when you can take care of the Most Adorable Baby in the World? Why clean up that drunk person’s throw up when you can instead clean your baby’s spit up?
I think some of our friends have this misconception about being a parent because we’re so young. I think some of them feel bad for us because we don’t have certain freedoms anymore, and it bothers me a lot. I hate that some of them think of my daughter as a cute little burden. My daughter is the greatest thing in my life, no amount of missed nights out could change that. I’m sure as she gets older it will be a lot easier for me to leave her, but right now I’m perfectly content with going another eighty days with two nights out.
I weigh three pounds less than I did at my first doctor’s visit. At that point I had morning sickness, so I probably hadn’t gained any weight yet. Evelyn will be eleven weeks old tomorrow, and eleven weeks ago I weighed thirty-two more pounds than I do now. So, basically I’ve lost thirty-two pounds in eleven weeks. This wouldn’t be as miraculous to me if it hadn’t been for the fact that I have never eaten more food IN MY LIFE than I have eaten in the last eleven weeks.
Back when I was a human incubator, I was told that I wasn’t eating for two, that I only really needed to eat three hundred more calories per day than I usually did. I remember being scolded at one of my doctors appointments for gaining an extra pound than I should have since my last visit. If you’re smarter than a second grader, you probably figured out that I gained twenty-nine pounds during my pregnancy. I was pretty good at following the doctor’s orders, I gained one pound less than what she recommended, and that was on a pretty good diet, but that was probably because I didn’t really have a ton of cravings during my pregnancy, I mostly craved foods that cooled me down because of the obscene heat. I would not recommend getting pregnant at this time of year unless you’re willing to eat tons of popsicles, I mean enough popsicles to recreate your 3,000 square foot home with popsicle sticks. Having said that, I do think the weather made my belly a better habitat for a growing fetus because it produced The Most Adorable Baby in the World.
Anyway, I credit this weight loss to the sustaining of a human life with the contents of my boobs. I eat about as much as Tolkien’s hobbits, yet I’ve lost all of my pregnancy weight because now I AM eating for two. So, if you want to lose weight while eating anything you want, get pregnant, gain thirty pounds, give birth then feed that baby with your boobs. I swear it works. Side effects include sleep deprivation, poopy diapers, and responsibility for the life of a child for the next eighteen plus years.
I’ve never really had New Years resolutions so this year I figured, since I’m a parent now, I should take every chance I can to have a go at bettering myself. So, I came up with three. I tried to make them simple and not too overwhelming so that I can actually follow them:
1. Eat healthier.
I used to only eat foods that were organic or at least all natural. I was very good at always eating the healthiest thing available to me. I felt and looked great, had tons of energy, was rarely sick, and even though I avoided a lot of foods, I never really felt deprived. Then, working two jobs and going to school got the best of me and I fell off the healthy wagon. I still haven’t had McDonalds since I was fifteen, but the stress and sugar got to me. I was always tired, felt sick more often, and even gained a few. When I found out I was pregnant, I went back to my old healthy habits, but I cheat more often than I ever did before. Candy has been my weakness, so my goal is to kick the sugar and get back on the wagon. We want to set a good example for Evelyn, so Jay is doing this one with me.
2. Curse less.
Jay is doing this one with me too. I pretty sure someone would report us to social services if Evelyn’s first word was “shit” or worse, “fuck.” We don’t curse like sailors or anything, we just want to decrease our level of profanity so that she doesn’t pull a Meet the Faulkers on us.
3. Blog more consistently.
I’ve been uncharacteristically flakey about this blog so I want to change that. I think it’s great therapy for me and I’m pretty sure I’ll be glad I did it as Evelyn grows. Also, if I do follow though with this resolution, we can find out if I really follow through with the other two throughout the year.
We’ve been trying to get a good picture of Elijah and Evelyn together to frame as one gift to my parents for Christmas, but a 22-month-old and a 2-month-old are exactly the most photogenic pair. This picture was like two hours and 400 attempts in the making. We take them to see Santa tomorrow night, can’t wait.
Here are some of the others we got: It’s a good thing we got them the GPS too, these look like they were taken at the most run-down studio ever, so much for the last-minute gift of sentiment.
I was watching football yesterday morning when the sound of Jay yelling “MIAAAAAA, MIA HURRY!” caused me to HAUL ASS to our room where he was cleaning up one of Evelyn’s poopy monstrosities. I immediately had to resist the urge to kick Jay in the crotchal region when I saw the smile on his face. You don’t yell like that when you have a month old baby, especially when you know the baby’s mother has convulsions whenever she thinks something might be wrong with said baby.
Anyway, the reason yelled in such an inconsiderate manner was because of the sheer joy he had that Evelyn laughed at him. Yes, our baby laughs now. She was literally laughing at him as he made faces at her and played with her cheeks. Have I ever mentioned that I have THE MOST ADORABLE BABY IN THE WORLD? I’m glad I resisted my urge to kick Jay in he nuts, because I’m sure that would have hindered our chances for subsequent children and therefore surely eliminate any future first laughs.
Posted in Daily, Evelyn, Jay
Just when I thought I was getting a handle on how her cuteness distracts me and give me butterflies, Evelyn smiled at me today. I was talking to her like I always do, and she looked right at me and smiled. It was the greatest feeling in the world. She kept at it for a good couple of seconds, and she even did it again a few times before she stuck out her bottom lip, signaling me to cut it out and whip out my boobie already.
It’s amazing how something so simple can make you feel so good. I think I had better look into the possibility of investing in a time machine, because I’m pretty sure that whatever life throws at me, seeing her tiny face smile at me like that will make it better in an instant.
Jay went back to work Monday, and ever since I’ve been praying for the weekend so that we could return to tag teaming Evelyn. She’s a good baby, she doesn’t cry much, but she does keep me busy. This is what I’ve discovered about parenting a newborn so far:
1. You better get that diaper on fast if you don’t want to have a poopy mess on your hands: SHE WILL POOP, DIAPER PRESENT OR NOT.
2. Just because you just changed her, doesn’t mean she’s not going to poop two minutes later.
3. Evelyn has the ability to sense when you’re sitting down that rivals the world’s most superior altimeters, so you better not even bend your knees if you don’t want to sound the alarm.
4. Your hygiene is your barometer to how well your day alone with baby went. Get used to showering when Jay comes home.
5. Sometimes the baby book just isn’t enough reassurance, it’s okay to google everything.
6. Breastfeeding does eventually feel less like a pack of starving wolfs are vying for your nourishment.
7. Can you’re boobs get any bigger? Yes they can. Can you control your bladder long enough to get her to sleep? Yes you can. Can Jay and I survive through any more sleep deprivation? Yes we can.