how patient you are when Evelyn spits up on your brand new suit just before you leave for work, even though you are already running late
Category Archives: Jay
I came back from a forty-five minute trip to the grocery store to find the house phone off the hook, my nephew running around with one shoe off and no pants, and Jay in the middle of a leaky diaper change. I’d say this is a clear indication that it’s a good thing I only babysit Elijah once a week.
Lesson: Next time, go grocery shopping when Elijah is down for his daily nap, clearly Jay is not ready to care for two kids under the age of two.
I have been a parent for eighty days and during those eighty days I have spent about eighty minutes away from Evelyn. I exaggerate of course, but not too much. Since I’ve been a parent I’ve been to one movie and have gone out to dinner one time, that’s two nights out in two and a half months. Before Evelyn was born, Jay and I either had people over or went out just about every Friday and Saturday night, and even sometimes on Thursdays or Sundays too.
When I was pregnant, Jay and I would talk about how hard it was going to be to stay in so much; neither of us are homebodies, we’re both quite the opposite. We talked about how we were going to miss going to the movies once a week and how it was going to be hard to not be able to hang out with our friends every weekend. We knew we weren’t going to be able to do these things so often anymore, not only because we had to physically care for the baby, but because we would have to start saving more money as well.
Luckily, we’ve always been smart about our finances, so we knew that change wouldn’t be too difficult. What we didn’t expect was that it would be so easy to stay home so much. Why spend ten dollars or more on a movie ticket when you can entertain your very own baby so she smiles at you? Why go to a bar or club and small that hairy guy’s body odor all night when you can smell the sweet smell of your baby’s neck? Why go out and end up having to take care of your drunk friend when you can take care of the Most Adorable Baby in the World? Why clean up that drunk person’s throw up when you can instead clean your baby’s spit up?
I think some of our friends have this misconception about being a parent because we’re so young. I think some of them feel bad for us because we don’t have certain freedoms anymore, and it bothers me a lot. I hate that some of them think of my daughter as a cute little burden. My daughter is the greatest thing in my life, no amount of missed nights out could change that. I’m sure as she gets older it will be a lot easier for me to leave her, but right now I’m perfectly content with going another eighty days with two nights out.
I was watching football yesterday morning when the sound of Jay yelling “MIAAAAAA, MIA HURRY!” caused me to HAUL ASS to our room where he was cleaning up one of Evelyn’s poopy monstrosities. I immediately had to resist the urge to kick Jay in the crotchal region when I saw the smile on his face. You don’t yell like that when you have a month old baby, especially when you know the baby’s mother has convulsions whenever she thinks something might be wrong with said baby.
Anyway, the reason yelled in such an inconsiderate manner was because of the sheer joy he had that Evelyn laughed at him. Yes, our baby laughs now. She was literally laughing at him as he made faces at her and played with her cheeks. Have I ever mentioned that I have THE MOST ADORABLE BABY IN THE WORLD? I’m glad I resisted my urge to kick Jay in he nuts, because I’m sure that would have hindered our chances for subsequent children and therefore surely eliminate any future first laughs.
how excited you get when Evelyn smiles at you.
I never knew that I could be so satisfied with sitting and watching another human being for hours at a time. Jay and I have been holed up in our room all week gazing at our little offspring.
ME: How did this come out of my vagina?
JAY: It’s wasn’t pretty, believe me.
ME: (considering adoption because this last statement tells me the possibility of conceiving another biological wonder has gone the way of the dinosaur for us)
JAY: But I’d do it again anytime.
ME: Me too.
I say this while trying not to think of the ten thousand stitches located down there, the obscene amount of bleeding, the horrendous cramps, and the terrible fatigue.
I went into labor fully expecting it to be most unbearable experience of my life, and despite the fact that it was drawn-out so much that I considered suing the nurse who put the medication that slowed down the labor process, it wasn’t as bad as I expected. Every one tells you horror stories about giving birth, so you’re prepared for that, what you’re not prepared for is what happens after a baby emerges from your body
Another thing I don’t think you’re ever really prepared for is how much you can love. I never knew I could love anything so intensely or so achingly. I’m not at all ashamed that I spend several hours a day just listening to her breathe, I can’t stop playing with her tiny hands, and my heart palpitates every time she even glances my way, coos, whimpers, smirks, or even passes gas. My life before seven days ago feels like it happened ages ago, and I’m in serious danger of forgetting it altogether if she continues to be this amazing.